So old, used but not yet broken.

Turning a year older in a few days. And I have a failed relationship, two of the crappiest months of my life, and an iPhone to show for it.

How do you otherwise deal with the fact that your dreams are better than reality? I lie awake at night, thinking about what used to be, and what could have been. I really believe things could have gotten better. And sadly, I still do.

I wonder why it feels like we’re living on different planets though he’s fifteen minutes away, geographically speaking. We had only good times to look back on, and needless to say, nothing else comes quite close.

It feels so final even though we’re on a timeout. I don’t even know why he’s acting like this, totally not the person I spent two years with. Was I naive to think we had a shot at a happily ever after? Am I being more naive still in believing that ending up together is the only possible outcome of this timeout?

It’s like he deliberately acts like a jerk now so he can’t live with himself, ultimately reducing our chances of rebuilding what we had to zilch. And of course I’m all too ready to be the doormat, falling at his feet even though he doesn’t want me to.

What happened to everything you stood for? What happened to us? You say it’s nothing to do with me, but as it turns out, I’m the one who feels like shit every day we’re apart, waiting for you to make it up to me.

To say you know you messed up, and instead of going against your principles, start to pick up the pieces with me. Tell me that you don’t know if we can make it, but at least promise that you’re gonna try. That you know we’re worth holding on to.

I knew you were the one even when things were perfect. It didn’t take this time apart for it to dawn upon me. So don’t give me that bull bout me wanting you even when you don’t know what you want. Don’t you get it? The only one who can fix this is you. Not the next guy who comes along cause no one else will mean anything to me.

Call me stupid or naive, I know what I want and what’s good for me. I’ve found it and I’ll be damned if I let it go.

It is not me to contemplate self-destruction, but going through it is another story altogether.

Cause I just don’t see any other way out of it. The hole you dug gets deeper and deeper everyday, and I just wait for night to come so my dreams lull me into thinking that things are finally how they’re supposed to be. Cause my forever fave boy is there when I close my eyes. Where I’m not last in his list of priorities and in his heart.

Happy fucking birthday to me.


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